Category: Mommy stuff

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Thoughts for the day

This past week has been a nightmare come true. As a child I would panic at the idea of something happening to my Nanny or Papaw because I didn’t know what would happen to me or who I would live with. Now as an adult I feared the day because she was my rock. My papaw has had Alzheimer’s since my first year of college and no longer knows my name. The only blessing out of that is the fact that he didn’t know that he was at his wife’s funeral last week. Now I have to face the fact that the two most wonderful people that raised me as their own are gone. I look for peace and strength from God but still feel so lonely. I talked to my Nanny everyday. This is the longest I’ve ever gone with out seeing her and it is literally breaking my heart. Every where I look I see her. From an outfit my child is wearing because she picked it out, to the shoes she just bought me last week, to the cute little pearl bracelet she got Bailey for Christmas, to my sheets because she always made sure they were clean and put on right. From every morning her coming by to check on us and watch the baby while I took the others to school, to her home cooked meals, to the way she hugged and kissed me, to looking at every place and remembering a time that we were there together, to helping me with my babies at the doctor. God, this hurts so bad. I pray for strength to get through today. My Nanny is with God and the feelings I have are selfish because I know she is better off. But I miss her so bad. I miss her smell, her laugh, her voice, the sound of her opening my front door, her always starting my laundry first thing when she came over no matter how many times I told her not too, my cell phone ringing all day, to her not being able to come over without a sack full of diapers, juice, milk, and surprises for the kids, to the way Bailey would peep out the window and get so excited when she saw her car in the driveway and scream “nanny” in the sweetest voice ever, to her and Jackson arguing over if Bailey was Nanny’s girl or Bubba’s girl, just thinking about Branson and how am I ever going to be able to enjoy a trip again. Everyone says it will get easier with time but I don’t see how this pain will ever diminish. I feel so fragile, like I could break into pieces at any given moment. I will never loose sight of the values she instilled in my heart. When I feel like I can’t get up I know in my heart that she would say “fight Brooke, you can’t stop living because I’m not there. You have to leave my legacy.” She was such a go getter and wanted my family to have it all. I know that my kids need me and thank God for that. When I hold Brooklyn I find comfort in her sweet smile and smell. I can’t hold her enough right now. She never left my sight through this entire tragedy. God knew I needed a sweet baby girl since he was taking away the rock in my life. I’m thankful to God everyday for my husband and three beautiful babies. I could not stand right now without them. Thank you to all for your cards, sweet emails, food, and flowers. Even though it doesn’t take any of the pain away it feels good to know that there are so many people out there that loved her and will miss her too. She touched everyone she came in contact with. She never stopped giving to her kids, grandkids, and great grand kids. Her time and energy is what I miss the most. I always heard that life is short and you never know when your last breath will be. Don't take one day forgranted with your loved ones. God is in control not us.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Mommy and Daddy's 6 year Anniversary for sure won't be forgotten. We took all three of you and Raain along with Grandy to Branson for the week. We lft last Saturday then Sunday, August 10th, was our Anniversary. Daddy ended up in the ER in Branson on our special day because he was in so much pain. It turned out to be three kidney stones. My poor poor man was in more pain than I've ever seen him in and it was such a helpless feeling. So needless to say we will have to have a redo to celebrate our special day. Honey Happy 6 Years!! 6 years ago was the start to the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am truly blessed by your love and friendship in more ways than I thought possible. Love you Babe! So glad you are all better.

Cancun

Girls Trip to Cancun

So Mommy took her first girl trip to Cancun last Thursday and had a blast. I went w/four close friends and we had so much fun together. Mommy didn't realize how much of a break I was in need of until I got there. We all have had babies this year and either have two or three little ones requiring our attention all day every day so it was paradise to relax. I got two full body massages at the spa and we had long dinners and spent our days not moving on the beach. We did ride jet skis the last day and joked that at least we got our excerise in. Here are a few pics from our trip. Thanks to Me-Me, Pops, Mam, and Grandy for helping Daddy out when he had to work and most of all thanks to Daddy for making sure I got on the plane and for taking care of our babies while I was away. You are the greatest! The hardest part was having to pump four to five times a day while there for four nights. I wasn't sure how Brooklyn would do w/eating when I got back but she seems to be adusting back to nursing great. I got to bring over 100 oz of milk home w/me on the plane...lol...so we have a freezer full of milk. Maybe Daddy can start to give her a bedtime bottle and get in on some of the feeding action. I must say that when I returned she is now eating baby food and other table food wonderfully. She loves just about everything so far. She had real sweet pot. and peas tonight and loved every second of it. Happy First Thanksgiving. Now it is off to Branson tonight and I will have new pics of the kids soon..i promise.

Daddy's the Big 30

Daddy's 30th B-day Bash

So Daddy turned 30 on Sunday the 18th and what a special weekend we had. First we went to Mt. Magazine and spent two nights in a cabin. It was so peaceful and wonderful to getaway for a few days and just relax together. Me-me and Pops took care of all the kids so this made it easier for us to relax and not worry. Then on Sunday I surprised Daddy with a Hummer stretch limo, a wonderful dinner, and invited some of our dearest friends. We had a blast!! Daddy you make us so proud. I look forward to growing old with you! Happy 30th.

Not Here, Not Now

Not here, not now

As the rain comes down so does my tears
I was not ready for all of this, not now, not here
I miss her so much and just want her near

Her smell, her hands, the sound of her voice
Nothing inside me is the same
She wasn’t ready, it wasn’t her choice

It still hurts so bad day in and day out
Hard to believe a year has come and gone
I want to run, hide, scream, and shout

First shock, deep sadness, darkness, anger, and now this
Deep down I know she didn’t have to suffer but come on.
Not even one goodbye, a smile, or small kiss

So many questions yet still to ask
She was the one that got me, always had my back.
I wonder if anyone sees me through this mask

My kids won’t know her, not even close
I could never be who she was, but I rise
Because she let me see the value in living each day to the most

My heart literally aches, the pain so deep inside
I still wake up with dreams that she is still here
Then as soon as I look into the mirror I just want to run and hide

From the pain, from the loss, from the world as it is now
I feel weary and ask myself..where do I go from here?
My rest lies in him, his mercy and grace, is how

I was not ready for this, not here, not now

One year later u would think I could breathe
But not a minute goes by that the loss isn’t there
I’m falling apart, just look at me

I miss who I was with her here
Trying to sort through this mess of who I’ve become
I give it all to my savior, for I know he is near

She’s the one that kept me grounded as her child as the pain went round and round
I just want my momma back, she’s in my heart, but yet so far away!
I was not ready for this, not here, not now, father keep me afloat as the rain pours down

what i would do

Another Bday not with me

what i would do for just one more hug
one more kiss
her voice, her thoughts, her smile
what i would do to feel her love

why did she have to leave me
why did she have to go
i just want her back
this is all i know

I've lost my best friend
I've lost the one who knew me best
my guardian, grandmother, protector,
the one that made sure I always had the best

the best that she could do
the best that she could give
i always wanted to give back
she just left before that day came

she never asked for anything
all she did was give
to all with whom she loved
i would give anything to see her live

why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
she would never have to lift a finger
i would do anything to see her smile
along with so many others
she was a great American hero
just living in her house
she worked for God's kingdom, always thought of his House

her life motto was to share her heart to see another smile
her thoughts to see another secure
her pockets to see another safe
her laughter to see another ones face
her hand to see another well
why can't i ask her how she did it all
is this why she had to go
was God ready to give her a break
one much needed and deserved
i will have to wait til i meet my maker before i ever know

why couldn't we get a warning
why couldn't we have a sign
were they all there and we were just too busy to notice
or did we choose not to see what was there
she never slept, just made sure everyone else did
did she know how much I cared

the best of moms
the best of care
i never had to worry
she was always there
why did she have to leave me
i just want her back
i would do anything, please Nanny just come back

happy birthday Nanny, is all i want to say
happy Birthday Nanny, u deserved the kind of party I know you got today
Jesus sang to you today, just wish I could have too,
Jesus is what keeps me fighting for good

he is my only hope
you taught me he is the way
Because of you i wait for him to calm the storm
when will this nagging pain subside
is this what will always be until the day we embrace again

a child which i was still yours, was never going to be ready to say goodbye
you were the one that took care of my every need
never wanted or even expected in retun
why did you have to die
we always joked that i would have to spend the next twenty years trying
why didn't u give me that chance

i know you would have died inside to know what was near
did you smell it
could you feel it
did you see it
could you sense it, you never showed any fear

you prayed the entire way to the light
you even told others what you saw
witnessing as you went out
only you, that was your style, always thinking of all but yourself
you never showed any doubt
you only wanted your children, grands, and greats to be okay
you gave us all what you had
your life lessons, your journey, your faith, your very being to the depths of your soul
its all still here Nanny, not to worry now,
just rest knowing we are fighting hard
for what you would have wanted us to be
we are now your legacy
and won't be letting you down
we know you will be full of questions
when we meet again
i can hear you now as you ask me...
"how did we discipline our kids?, why did we choose this house?, how did you stop caring?, what did you give away?, why did you choose this over that?, how did you learn to do it that way?, did you finally learn to iron just how I did?, how did you decide to send your child there?, why did you choose this friend?, why did you want this item?, is it for the right reasons?, or is it for the things of this world?,
always remember these aren't the things that make you happy
just listen to your maker, he is the one
the only one that truly matters, it is why you and I are here, he just wants you to know him, never forget he is near
all that matters is letting him in, cofide, confess, talk to him, then you will be on his list,
this is all that matters, nothing else compares, i know you want me back, but I'm better in fact happier than i've ever been, no more pressure or heartache now, so stop worrying about what you would do to have me back, I'm happy as a peach sweet girl, you will have me back, just now it's your turn to take all the steps, if you choose the light and don't let life get in the way, just choose the life my sweet one and we will be together again, only next time it won't be for just a brief moment in time, but forever and ever, no one can take it away, it's God's promise, the answer, the fate of all believers, the happiest we've ever been. close your eyes and rest now, for know i'm near all that separates us is a little bit of time, but we both have the eternal gift.

i will see you again nanny
don't you worry now
sleep and rest til i get there
because when i see you again
i know how you are and you won't want to rest
you will talk with me for hours
sharing every detail of all your days
you will fill my heart with your wisdom over and over again
until then I'm going to make it, all because I know you are with Jesus and better than okay.

Papaw Calvin

prayer for Paps

We are asking for you to pray with us for a miracle tonight. My Papaw had a stroke today and was taken by ambulance and admited to ccu. I called 911 around noon and finally at 8pm he got admited into inpatient. The hardest part is he can't talk and you can tell at times he wants to. It has caused damage to the right side of his body. He is not stable and is needing all the prayers of his family and friends. Due to having Althzimers he can't take the meds that can stop a stroke or prevent them and we have been told that it is very likely it will happen again. In fact they can see on the cat scan that he had a stroke over 48 hrs ago but it didn't cause much damage because yesterday he was doing things pretty close to normal for him. However when he woke up today he wasn't responding and his mouth was drawn and hand was drawn and he wouldn't talk. Usually we can always get him to talk or say something silly. My mom called me and Autie and Patti. He started to improve some but right when I saw him I was reminded of my Papaw Wayland who had a massive stroke when i was a child and watched him suffer and never spoke a word again for almost two years until he passed away. This would be a nightmare for him since it is already hard enough to know what he needs due to his memory loss. I was flooded with emotion today since he and my Nanny are the ones I lived with from the age of 4 til getting married. To know he is still with us, even with his memory loss, gives comfort in a way I didn't realize until today and imagining not hearing his voice or seeing his sweet smile again is tearing me up. I know for my Mom and the rest of the grandkids it is the same. Also a way of holding on to our Nanny too because of the bond shared by all. I'm not ready to let go but also know that it is inevitable. Pray for God's will tonight. For protection from the enemy of the doubt he slips into us at such weak moments from exhaustion, and for strength,healing of the damage caused today, protection against more strokes, and comfort for the Greatest Man I ever knew.

He's Home

Papaw Calvin Bailey

Papaw Calvin went home to his Maker today. We know he is so happy to be with Nanny again. We are sad because we are going to miss loving on him but also we are rejoicing because we know he is no longer suffering and has the mind and body he deserves. He passed away at 3:34am. It is crazy to think that the two people that raised me died within 18 months of each other but the only peace I get is that they are now back together, like they belong, and with our precious Father in heaven. He adored Nanny and we are thankful he never really knew that she was gone because it would have been devastating for him. Papaw has been sick since 99 and beat all of the odds against Althzimers. The stroke he had made him loose his swallowing function and then once he had the feeding tube, he got pneumonia and then rejected the food from the tube from then on. The last month, exact to the day from his stroke, has been rough. Mostly because of his suffering and also because of seeing him loose more and more of his ability to thrive and have some sort of quality of life. He never wanted to lay up on a feeding tube so helpless. We tried the rehabilitation route and three days later he was back in the hospital. Papaw left such a legacy to me and my kids along with so many more. He was what I will always strive to be in my walk with Christ. He lived everyday by his word and gave Him the glory for all our blessings. I can't remember a day he didn't talk about how beautiful God was and what all he had done for him and for our family. He was so thankful to have a job, home, car, business property, family, food, and he never took it for granted. He loved everyone he met and they loved him. He was so good at making things and did this on the side. An entupuner at heart and had so many dreams for his land behind the Clinton library on the River. Now we have no idea what to do with all these huge machines. He made cabinets, boats, club houses, river houses, garages, just about anything anyone wanted he would figure out how to make it or who to ask so he could help. I loved that about him. So resourceful. So thankful for his life and blessings. Always giving. Prayed before every meal...even breakfast when sitting by himself, loved to worship Christ, never gave up on those he loved, wasn't afraid to show emotion, couldn't stay mad for very long, and was the hardest working man I've ever known. He is my hero. He was loved, by many, by all, I can't think of one enemy the man had. Thank you Papaw for showing me how to give, love, appreciate, be led, have a thankful heart, work ethic, drive, be motivated by the little things, enjoy life, dare to dream, not give up, pray before all else, read my bible for the answers, listen instead of speak, and take care of others just because not because you have to. You gave this gift to my kids and they will someday know why. I love you Papaw Bailey!!!Love, Brooke