Fighter to the end...
Still fighting the fight
As you know Papaw Bailey was diagnosed with Althzimers in 99. Ten years of slowing loosing the ability to take care of yourself is I feel one of the worse things possible to have. It takes away all of the memories, thought patterns, livelihood, confidence, drive, personality, and can then take away the ability to even remember how to breathe on your own. Papaw has been such a fighter through all of this but never lost hope on a cure. He never lost faith, he never stopped praying for a miracle, and even now when you say papaw do you want to go to Church, he pops up and says o'yes! It is precious. A side of Papaw I've always admired and wanted in my own walk. The fight to keep going, no matter the circumstance, rest on the Word and you can stand is what he said to me over and over. He was faced with obstacle after obstacle. From losing a baby sister as a child, to seeing his own child walk down such a brutal road, his third grandchild in a wreck at 8 months old and not making it, raising me until I was grown, then starting all over again for the third time with my brother and sister. He loved to sing to me on the way to school especially, only he would make up the songs, he told me stories all the time about my favorite people in the Bible, he loved the song Elvira and would sing it just like they did, he loved nap time and snored with the best of them, he loved anything Nanny cooked, said, did, heard for that matter, she was his sweet-heart and he always said she was a Good woman for putting up with him all these years (of course with a grin on his face). He worked at the Post Office until they told him to retire because the disease had started to take away his ability to focus clearly (let me not forget to add that he had retired from the Railroad though before he ever began at the Post Office (he always said he didn't care how many times he retired he was working till he couldn't or died) a provider in every sense of the word, when he got off at the post office he would go to his next business on the River, he owns land behind the Clinton library and it was his dream to turn into something big, he built his own docks and to this day still has boat customers. Him and his brother were as close as brothers can be and had so many plans together. His brother passed away 11 years ago of a sudden heart attack and Papaw was never quite the same. Shortly after he started having a few slips ups, like where he put his keys, phone (yes he even had a cell phone which he thought was a little too much for him but Nanny insisted with him down on the river at night in not the best side of town), remote, and then bigger things like if he had already brushed his teeth, eaten, and then even where the bathroom was. We had to beg to get him to the Dr in 99 but I think deep down he knew. I studied all the research on meds and we had some success and some not so good side effects but one thing I will say is that he never was mean or became aggressive. He always said he was doing good and smiled ALWAYS. I remember when I had Jackson and he always said "she is just so pretty" He knew that he was mine but could never remember his name. Then when we would remind him he would said "Action Jackson" or Michael Jackson or even Jason Jackson(which was someone I went to school with.) He watched him some with Nanny and just thought he was the best thing ever. When we would have to correct him he would say "o brooke u know I’m slippin a little" As time went on he sat back and listened mostly. I feel he was always scared of looking silly or messing up someone’s name, or hurting someone else's feelings. He even at restaurants would say "now Pat, you know what I want you order for me" Which wasn't like him before. He still would just smile so sweet at everyone and say "how are you doing" to everyone he met. He never met anyone that I know of that didn't like him. Once he retired at the Post Office, he was still determined to get out and about and said he wasn’t' letting some disease take over what he loved to do. So Nanny would hesitantly agree to his many trips to the Mariana. Lots and lots of land that he still was determined to do something with. He bought it when he was a young man and had many people wanting to buy it and he wasn't interested in letting go of it EVER, if you asked him why he said "o no, that's staying with me till I leave it behind. He taught my little brother things he would have never known since his Daddy died when he was only four. In fact my little brother to this date is working at the post office because he wants to be just like his Paps. My papaw would be so proud if he knew. I use to go down to the river sometimes just to watch him in his element. More equipment then one man would ever need or use but he had a love for machines and it shows! He built a river house on it, work buildings, storage units, his own levy, he was such an entrepeneur with so many trades and tricks up his sleeve, he could build anything, fix anything, good with cars, such a hands on kind of man..the best!! He loved baseball, especially watching Ashur, his favorite player of all time play. He would sit up on the hill at the ballpark in the car with Nanny and they didn't miss a game. Even when he didn't know much anymore like 3 years ago he was still making all the games. He loved to watch Ash play. Nanny told me that before he got worse he use to ask her like five times a day if they were going to watch Ashur play. She would say no, but then a few hours later he would ask if they could go again. He loved the Lord, I can still see him with those arms held high praising God and thinking to myself as a little girl how someday I wanted my husband to be like him. He never stopped telling me how proud he was of me and how happy I made him. He wasn't a man of many words but honey when he spoke...all listened! He believed in seeing the best in people and not judging others by the cover. When I was in college and his disease was just beginning I watched him interact with my sister Raain. He told everyone that was his baby! He idolized her, he didn't care what race she was, who looked funny because she didn't look like his, or how many times he was asked about why he was raising a little one this late in his life. Rain loved her Papaw. She slept in between Nanny and Papaw just like I did until Nanny passed away exactly a year and half ago from today. I think of the pain I'm feeling but then have to acknowledge how insecure at times she must feel to not have them on each side of her when she goes to bed at night. Sure she has her Mommy now, which is all Papaw and Nanny dreamed of for 25 years, but still no matter how many people you have in your life I can relate to feeling alone in a crowded room. He told me when I was in college that he felt like seeing me so determined brought him happiness and made him feel like all of his efforts were so worth it. I will never forget how that made me feel. When nanny called me and told me the devastating news of his test I will never forget where I was on the road and the pain that went with it. I cried and grieved then and continued to each time I saw him loose independence. I was glad Josh was driving my car because I wouldn't have made it on those back roads of between Conway and Little Rock. I cried until I couldn't anymore. I never let him know because he was already processing enough. He didn't want anyone to know because he didn't want anyone to worry. He drove until it wasn't possible anymore, he held me tight when I was scared, he watched me cheer, at my homecomings, plays, recitals, softball games, let me drive the car in the cemetery every Sunday after Church when I was like 13-16, and now I'm just as determined to be there for him. As a small child I didn't know what I gift I had with him and nanny taking care of me. How could you. They didn't know if I would ever remember all of the little things, they didn't know if I would rebel from what they taught me to be true, or if I would hurt them, or even how long they would have me, little did they know when they started it was for the long haul. I know people thing why would you spend so much time at the hospital when you know he doesn't know you are there, you know that you can't really help or change the disease, he won't remember one minute to the next, and my answer is because I don't care if he knows, I know because of my walk with the Lord that, HE WILL KNOW. He will see my heart when he does get his mind back in heaven and know that he was loved and not just left somewhere on people waiting for him to pass. He will know that all of his prayers had come true on my Mom being free of her addictions. He will see just how Good he knew the Lord to be. He will get the ultimate reward I have not one doubt. When you spend your entire life being a servant leader you will have a room full of people waiting to serve you is what his illness has taught me because of just how special he was to not just me but to all. There are people that he hasn't seen in years just coming to say Hi everyday. Even though they know the same things as me, that maybe right now he doesn't know we are who we are, but he isn't Alone and he is loved. He still smiles at all that make eyes with him and he is fighting hard. He has had a very rough two weeks. He is back in the hospital and has been for over a week now. It seems as though his entire body is starting to shut down. He has blood clots in his urine, he is rejecting the feedings, he is constantly throwing up, the antibiotics are working which is a praise, he has some type of skin infection on his back and the list keeps going. He is awake more than he was but it is awful to see him like this. He only stayed in the rehab center for three days and then developed pneumonia. He was only taking 8 breaths a minute but now seems to be over the hump and it is now everything else. It has been a battle of the mind to watch someone you love so much suffer. I haven't let Jackson see him since he has had his stroke just because of his critical thinking skills. He still to this day talks about Nanny and even reminds me of stories that I forgot. I am amazed at how much he remembers about their time together. I don't want him to remember Paps this way because I know Paps wouldn't like that. Yes it is a part of life but one that I choose to protect a little longer if possible. He now has a tube going through his nose draining his chest and stomach. He pulled it out today and it hurts me so because I know he probably doesn't understand why all these people poke and prod on him. He was such a private man, clean, germ freak, wouldn't even drink after one of the kids or Nan so this is just too much to bear. Please pray for him. I just want the Holy Spirit to grab him up and protect him with his comfort and peace beyond all measure. Beyond our ability to understand. I am hanging on to the fact of knowing what is waiting for him once his body forgets how to breathe. I mean first Althizimers...going on ten years, now a stroke, and now he is fighting with all he has to hang on...I asked him the other day why he was so determined; He didn't have to answer because that is just how Papaw is...he is a fighter..Always has been, always will be. He worked hard to have the things he sought out for. He never gave up on praying the same prayer over and over for God to heal my Mom. I can vividly remember him telling me that he knew that God would take her addictions away and make all things new because "that is what I will never stop believing!" How ironic that his very own care giver is now the person that so many said would never walk a day again free of alcohol and street drugs. How ironic that the person that has tended to his feedings, changing, and grooming for the past 18 months is the daughter that so many gave up on, except him. He did so many things to try to put it in his own hands, from rehab to rehab looking for the best one, to this philosophy, to this meeting, and now looking at the situation 25 years out, it wasn't a rehab, a dr. , a magic place, a drug, or a certain thing someone said, it was way out of our hands just like my Papaw always said. He always knew the power of healing and the power Christ had and never gave up on that. He let go of it completely and now that is such a powerful example in my own life to see how God will answer, it just might not be how we think or when we think he should. He is all knowing and will make all things Good. I'm trying to find how he will make Good out of paps current situation but I can hear Paps saying back to me even though he can't utter much than yes and no right now that "we aren't suppose to question him, just believe, and pray and know he will" I'm comforted by knowing that regardless of what Paps has going on I know that the Holy Spirit is there inside of him, giving him comfort that he probably right now doesn't have the mind to grasp. Such mystery and beauty all at the same time. Just like when you look at a mountain from far away. it is a mystery how something on this Earth stands so tall, then once you are on it, it seems like a thorn in your side, hard to see progress, hard to see the end in sight, and you can't remember what you found so stunning about it in the first place. Then at last you reach the top and you again are reminded of the gift of the mountain. Papaw always held my hand on the walk up the mountain and now Jesus is holding his. Papaw when you get there I hope you smile for the day you looked forward to the most is at last yours. And Don't worry Jesus is with me too holding on to me tight until I get to the top and know that I choose to hold onto to him and not of this world all because of You papaw and your beautiful legacy you are leaving behind.
Comments
Re: Fighter to the end...
That was a really sweet post. I lost my grandma (on my dad's side) last month to Alzheimers. It is such a horrible disease & so sad to see it overcome those you love. I lost my papa (on my mom's side) about a year ago to cancer. It is so hard to realize that those people aren't going to be in your day to day life anymore, but we will see them again in heaven. I'll be praying for you & your family :)
Bonnie
Re: Fighter to the end...
This post touched my heart. I am watching my grandmother fight her battle with alzheimers now and she is in the final stages. It is such a tough thing to watch. I long for the day when she can run and sing and have life about her again. In my prayers!
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